Thursday, December 25, 2003

Does anyone NOT get stressed during the holidays?

Dec 25th, 2003
Yesterday I was sooo stressed out…why ?.....I had told Jenn that she could ( much to my objections) take me out shopping (can’t stand it much less for this time of year)

Anyway that plan had gotten awash cause Becky needed me to watch the baby so her and Vicky could do their X-mas shopping…..what I couldn’t figure out is why Jim had to go with them….oh well…Jenn wasn’t too happy about the whole situation on me canceling on her so soon. I haven’t really felt very sociable with anyone lately……in fact I’ve just wanted to hide and be by myself…just wanting some solitude...some peacefulness with myself.
A lot has happened with me just this past few months. I've gotten involved with Jennifer (happy-go-lucky girl she is !!), I lost my job at Genesis Staffing, it was a alright job for $9.50/hr but a job nonetheless, and Grandma (Dorithy) dies.

Anyway so far this month really kinda sucks….oh yeah….then there’s this problem everyone has with me not getting involved with Christmas ….in fact Vicky had called me a hypocrite (me there with everyone but not wanting to get involved ) No one realizes that first….we don’t know the actual date of Jesus’s birth, they don’t know the real story of the three “wise” men (astrologers, prob from Babylon “the east”), the story behind the star they had followed (it first led them first to King Herod who wanted to have the baby Jesus killed), what he did on earth and his death that was the real importance…..his birth was just a way to place him on earth…nothing more. No-one realizes how much I dispise this holiday. I know one thing…I won’t be here for the next one.

Monday, December 15, 2003

Loss of a loved one

Dec 15, 2003
They say death is a normal process of life. That it's a natural thing. If thats true, why do we react so emotionally about it? I lost my Grandma (Dorithy) last month.

I had talked to her back in October, she sounded so full of energy, and so full of laughter I would’ve never guessed she was so sick. I get a phone call earlier from Reanee telling me that she was worried that Grandma might not make it. So with Jims kind help I arrange to fly down on the 3rd of this month.
I arrive that morning in Kansas City, meet Jim for the first time, give my sister a hug, finally meet Shelby and Conner, and then my sister breaks the news that Grandma had died that morning…..It hurt, it felt like a ton of bricks had just landed on my chest….I was mad at myself too for not being there for her.

I pray for god to remember and be reunited with her in the new system Joh 5:25-29.

Friday, November 28, 2003

A new addition to the family

Nov 28th, 2003
Becky had a 4lb 6oz baby girl on Nov 4th . Her names’ Britoria (sic)….or “Bri”….I just have my own lil nickname for her….”sweet-ums".
She is such a beautiful baby…..everyone around the house has gotten really attached to her, especially both Amandas….which has really shocked me….Big Amanda seems to hold her every moment she gets…..that’s has been the last thing I’d have expected !.....Everyone was over Jims & Beckys the other night (turkey day) and big Amanda was going home and decided to bring the baby home with her….and I came home just a few minutes later finding no one else home but Amanda sitting on the couch in the dark holding the baby (“sweet-ums”)….WOW !!...I guess that maternal instinct has kicked into high gear !! LOL (I think it’s wonderful)
And lil Amanda has been into playing her part of babysitter/mommy…..they both really have been wonderful.
Sam has been up her every other weekend…she’s been so great helping out the family and with the baby. I hope that her and Bobby last a long time….she’s really good for him.
Now for the sad news. Reanee called last night informing me that Grandma isn’t doing good healthwise at all and that she might not make it thru the week……She seemed fine when I talked to her last month while she had been in the hospital for pneumonia. She had asked me when I was coming down and I had told her I was going to make plans next month (Nov-Dec visit) and I’d bring the kids…..and that’s where she was thinking more along the lines of a longer stay without the kids…I kinda thought it strange her not wanting to see Amanda and Kenny but I think she didn’t want the kids seeing her in poor health…..I’m flying down next week on the 3rd and returning on the 19th (Vicky isn’t too happy) Jim was being a great guy charging the tickets on his Visa. I owe him a lot….the tickets were only $ 213 !

Wednesday, October 1, 2003

Time flies

Oct 1st, 2003
Sheesh !!, that bums me’s October already and we’ve lived in the Kingsbridge Apt since April. Yikes does time fly !!! I’m gonna miss summer….of course I always do….thats like my fun-in-the-sun time!
I messed up last might with Vicky….She had asked me if I still thought of Becky as a sister…..well….I love/care for her as family….but not really as a sister. And Vicky got upset and hurt about that. I love the family with all my heart….but it’s really frustrating when I see all their lives….(Sue, Becky, & Vicky) going nowhere but down the drain.
I realize they all have health problems but what’s the sense of living if you’re in bed all day letting those problems take you over. I mean NO WONDER THEY GET DEPRESSED!! It’s very difficult to care about someone when that person doen’t even care about themselves. I’m just really stressed out because of that. Well… heart is still out to the family, I miss my Mom & Dad, my sisters (Reanee’ & Danielle, & my brother (R.D). They have all since married, have now had babies and have started families. And I haven’t seen any of them in 5 years.

Tuesday, September 30, 2003

A new friend

Sept 30th, 2003
I’m starting to hang around Jennifer’s a lot more……she’s so cool, relaxed and fun to hang around with. She's so happy-go-lucky. Kinda reminds me of the way I used to be. I wouldn’t mind going out with her but it’s the age difference that bothers me. I mean I’m 40 and she’s just turning 29. AND she keeps joking around about my age !!
I know she likes to tease me about it but it makes me wonder what she thinks about me. She’s got two kids, Hannah & William “BB” (Billy). They’re real good kids. BB is the kind nice kid who’s polite but can blow his mom off in a second ! Hannah is a lil active rambunctious girl….I think she’s going to turn into a tomboy !
Anyway I like her but I don’t want to hurt her because of my plans so I’m not gonna get to close. Speaking of my plans, guess they got a little postponed, huh? I still have yet to send in the payment for the life insurance. And the temp is gonna be real cold. I’m just so stressed out cause of everything…I still have a crummy p of s job at a warehouse, I really haven’t gone anywhere in the past 4 years, and I still live with Vicky & Kevin….which just isn’t right.

Friday, September 19, 2003

Rockin and rolling ! - Hurricane Isabel slams the east coast

Sept 19th, 2003
WOW!! Hurricane Isabel slammed into the Outer Banks yesterday. We got the brunt of hurricane Isabel I guess around 9pm last night when the eye passed just 90 miles west of us near Emporia, Va. Nobody really freaked out. We had lost power REALLY early around 9am and didn’t get electricity till about 10 at night. I still can't figure that out!! . (I was worried about the food in the fridge)
The apartments took the winds pretty good. Some minor damage like shingles and siding ripped off from the high winds. (With the power out I was worried about the food in the fridge) Kenny & Amanda didn't freak out…....we played a couple of board games and we took a real brisk walk in the high winds and actually had fun !

Most of the area is affected by damage from all the flooding, downed trees, power lines, and structural damage. There are a total of 9 fatalities due to the storm. The Wray Gang, who lives down in Hertford, lost their house by a huge Oak tree landing thru the went through all three stories! They're not handling it very good.

We're all fine up here in Chesapeake.....I think I'd still go thru an earthquake any day....(It's the "waiting" for the Hurricane I don't like !!)

Friday, September 12, 2003

A long talk with my daughter

Sept 12th, 2003
A lot has happened in the past month or so. The worst was when I had walked in on Brandon and Amanda having sex. I was shocked, surprised, upset and mad all at the same time. I wanted to shove Brandon thru the wall into the next town….but was too shocked to do anything. Amanda new I was very upset….I couldn’t even look at her for a few days.
Afterward, we sat down and I asked her how she thought I felt….she new I was very upset to what had happened, and she said she knew she made a mistake. We hugged for awhile, but I know she’ not going to be happy cause we’ve decided on her and Brandon not seeing each other for a while….she’s going to be stressed out cause of her being so attached to him because of having sex and being so close…..she’s already missing him…….what she doesn’t understand is that she is still so young she’s only 14, not 18, not 21….so many thing can happen just in a few years.
Amanda has to ask herself, will she be with Brandon in a year ? Will she be in school and be seeing another boy? Will the family have moved up to Illinois ?...What about her future, her career, what does she want to do for the rest of her life? These are questions she has to ask herself.
She needs to know that at her age things change real fast….just a year and a half ago she was good friends with Jennifer, Brandie & Leah….now she’s changed and are no longer close to them as much….the same could happen with Brandon…and that’s where her heart will get hurt. It's really tough knowing she won't listen and go thru that.

Monday, August 11, 2003

Sad for the other kids

Aug 11, 2003
Last night (Sun) I felt so crappy I couldn't even go to work. I felt weak, sore and I had a major headache. I feel like 50 instead of 40 ! I don't know if I caught a bug or what.
Hey !!......Donna and the kids showed up Saturday !
Andrea & Christy are getting big, Christy is still soo quite sometimes and Andrea is still somewhat of the tomboy.
Tommy hasn't changed !!...still bouncing off the walls and cocky as ever! LOL Jennifer has still got that "I need a hug" look but she's been keeping her distance from everyone. (she's heading in the same direction as Leah's just nobody
realizes it yet..... God I wish I could help her)
Speaking of Leah.....she's in a "teen safe-house" in E-city I think....It started two weeks ago when Donna found out she was doing cocaine. Basically Donna couldn't handle the situation, went to court, and gave her to the state. Now Leah is ward of the state. I knew Leah would get into trouble…but not like this. These are things that can be soo painful in your heart sometimes. I still remember the last night we spent moving from Hertford, the last of the boxes were packed up and we had finished cleaning the house. Leah came over to say goodbye to everyone and had started getting really upset and started crying; she gave everyone such a long hug. I felt soo sad for her. I wait....I KNEW she saw us as her family more than Tim & Donnas'....You want to help out sooo bad but you're unable to because they're not your kids. Sometime it can be really tough.

Friday, August 8, 2003

Frustration ensues

Aug 8th, 2003
Well, things haven't really changed around here, besides Tim about to leave for Fargo in a few days.....He got into a pissing match with big Amanda about trying to watch a show on TV.....In the living room Tim said he had a show to watch, and Amanda was trying to watch hers. (They can't stand each other as it is!!) Soooo Tim just got sick of the whole situation, packed his bags and asked Kevin to drop him off at the Interstate.....Guess he didn't get very far cause he showed up this morning soaking wet with his arm scratched up bad (While it was raining he fell in a gully trying get into a tunnel to get some sleep !---OH MAN !) Hey !...
I've made a good friend on the Flow-Go forums....her name is Amy Horne, from Ohio, and she's had a close friend commit suicide in a bathroom at a party one night by taking a bunch of pills.
God, that was sooo sad...when I first read it I got really upset !......Me & her have been e-mailing back and forth...she's been really depressed and wanting to end her life....I've told her there is soooo much to live for, her Grandma, Grandpa, her friends, her future, her kids..l've been emailing her with lil jokes here and there trying to get her in a better mood. which is kinda hard to do when you’re alone and depressed yourself. God!!

The other day I was soo frustrated!! EVERYBODY wanted me for something !....Vicky needed me to go to the bank, Becky needed me to go to the store, Trudy wanted me to take her swimming, big Amanda needed a ride to work.....I felt like screaming "LEAVE ME ALONE !"....I wanted to just hide somewhere.........but I'm still very much lonely. Isn't that strange ?....that you can have 20 people around (Friends or Family) and still be in the dark feeling lonely.

Made the first step in getting my life insurance. This morning I got a physical at home....aint that cool !...they come to your house !!
She (the nurse) had asked the standard loooong list of health questions and family history...then she had me give a urine sample (ha! easy part)...then she took some blood samples ..SOME blood !!...hell !! she took two whole viles of it !!!..LOL
She did a nice job though with the needle, or at least I thought...cause a few hours later when I took the bandage off where she poked me....there was a huge bump and swelling of blood under the skin....woah!! I almost freaked out...cause I never had seen that happen before.

Vicky said it's because she "broke the vein", it's when the needle goes all the way thru the other side. Nice professional job lady !!....sheeesh !

Monday, July 28, 2003

Yea!!.. I'm back among the employed !

July, 28, 2003
Well....I've gotta job !! The bummer is that it's not exactly the kinda job that I like....I'm working at HUDD, which is a distribution warehouse for Target and Wallmart as a forklift driver loading and unloading trailers full of merchandise.....YEE HAA!!! just what I like !! (sarcasm)...It's not quite the meaningful job that I've been searchin for....but again I've only got a couple more months anyway so it doesn't really matter huh ? The hours REALLY suck !! Fri, Sat & Sun - 12hr shifts from 7pm-7am. How does that REO Speedwagon go? You gotta "Roll with the Changes"...LOL !

Thursday, July 24, 2003

Tims Back!! LOL

Aug 20th, 2004
Adam & Kelly stayed the night. They stopped in around 9:00 and like within 20 minutes Kelly was crashed out on the love seat with Adam. I know they're going through some problems right now. I can sometimes see it in Kellys face when she has that worried look. I really hope they last. I worry bout them. Well...guess who showed up the other day ! Tim !!...yeeha ! (sarcasm). Jim, who's down in Columbia doing all his Navy Security stuff told Becky he better be out by the time he comes back...yikes !!!...It seems official...Sam will be moving in with Becky and the gang soon....She told me that Cindy knows but not yet Rusty........ooops !! Big Amanda's starting to show now, she's 4 months (i think ?) She's been getting sick alot lately. It's gonna be a long tedious 5 months

Sunday, July 13, 2003

Does money make the world go round?

Jul 13th,2003
I've got such a serious headache today...I know what it's from.....from drinking two big glasses of cola before going to bed....I think it's really hard on my kidneys cause I'll wake up the next morning, I'll feel them (both sides), and they'll be rock hard and really sore.
I was supposed to start the HUDD (distibrution warehouse for Wall-Mart and Target) job tonight.....BUT the manager (MR. Willie Butler, HUDD?) said they won't start the weekend night shift till the 19th.....great!!....kinda need the money NOW for that stupid parking ticket...uuuugggghhh !!! (plus Vicky & kev could use the money..Money...MONEY !!!)

Tuesday, July 8, 2003

Another day older - still contemplating

Jul 8th, 2003
It's been a month since I've turned 40....things really haven't gotten any better here in the fun house....Kevins' still workin his ass off and getting on Vickys butt about the budget. Tim is still being his self....he asked me the other day we should go out to the campground on the 19th while Kevins' sister Judy (and her 9 kids) come down for Adams wedding and staying in the Apt. Sounds greats Tim !!....BUT not with you...he's still his obnoxious self..all him..him..him Poor Amanda is going crazy..with everyone in the apt. The date has been moved up...possibly in August...I need to get life insurance and get a will written up first...still doing it at the beach though.

Hey....someone actually made ME laugh the other day...believe it or not me and the kids saw Brandie & Chelsea Sunday at the mall. Brandie was still her goofy/silly self smiling and being vocal as ever!. She was walking around being silly around the mall...gettin wierd looks from some people !(Got me in a real good mood )And Chelsea is still spoiled...we stopped into the alternative store Hot Topic, (all black/gothic stuff) and Chels saw a pair of pants she wanted to buy...BUT they were $56 BUCKS !!! Anyways Brandie was stressin out because the money that Chels had was meant for helpin out Rhonda for the week while Chelsea. Least to say I intervened and talked to Chelsea (who sat down, hunched her shoulders in and pouted like a little 8 year old !!) sheesh !! Anyway......Amandas hanging out at Brandies for a few days....scary huh !??! Just hope they don't get into anything bad. They're still good kids at heart though.

Thursday, July 3, 2003

A dads worst nightmare

July 3, 2003
Well…I’ve decided too go out Sunday afternoon….Oh…and guess what…dear ol dad just found out his daughter isn’t a virgin anymore !. Just $#%#$%$ great!!!....all the more reason to go away !! I had been going thru KeyKey logger…and found Amanda chatting with Brandie and read this…
| | --> I love VIN DIESEL!!!!! - Conversation <--> 02-Jul-2003, 22:56:46
I don't know
what was ur first time like?
it feels weird me asking u that
| | --> I love VIN DIESEL!!!!! - Conversation <--> 02-Jul-2003, 22:58:26
yeah it hurt me too...i was almost in tears
| | --> I love VIN DIESEL!!!!! - Conversation <--> 02-Jul-2003, 22:59:32

i need ur help brandie
i need to take a u test

| | --> I love VIN DIESEL!!!!! - Conversation <--> 02-Jul-2003, 23:00:22
a"you know"test

| | --> Chris - Conversation <--> 02-Jul-2003, 23:00:36

| | --> I love VIN DIESEL!!!!! - Conversation <--> 02-Jul-2003, 23:01:06
and i have no way to get one or anything
| | --> I love VIN DIESEL!!!!! - Conversation <--> 02-Jul-2003, 23:06:02
no not really
my first time was great
it just took some time to get use to it
we did it 3 times
| | --> Chris - Conversation <--> 02-Jul-2003, 23:24:00
i had to go throw up
That was the end of the don't know.

Tuesday, July 1, 2003

Confusion & frustration

Jul 1,2003
We've been here three ##%%@! months....I quit Blackhawk last month and have yet to find a decent job ! I filled out apps at City of Portsmouth (Dispatching)...Moran Towing of Virginia..City of Virginia Beach (Dispatching)...Wallmart..Cox Communications....Lowes......Haynes Furniture....even Farm Fresh..(for night stock...which they're NOT hiring for !)....PLUS to make things even more depressing...I see everyone around either hurt, lonely, mad, or stressed. Kevins overworked, Tim just sits on the couch, Amanda J. has been ever disconnecting herself from the family...(just waiting for the day say mentions the M word...I think Kevins expecting it), Lil Amanda has been doing nothing but sitting on the computer in her own lil world chatting away, and Kenny just sits in his lil world playing games.

It just seems nobody likes to spend time together anymore. I'm hoping if I leave maybe things will get better....hopefully. This has been going on in my mind for a long time...I've been thinking about going down to Va beach for a loooooong swim....(hopefully I'll find a good riptide to carry me away). If anyone does find out how it happens I don't want the kids to find out. I have to find a way to send e-mail at a time/day automated.
There are some things I would never change, my growing up years..I am sooo thankful for the parents I have....A dad (who wasn't even my biological father) who spent time with me, making it a ritual every Sat to go out to Dunkin Donuts and talk about anything. It was the fishing trips that we made to lake Castaic that I'd always remember...he'd always help me out reeling a fish in....My mom would always take the time to bring me to those ever important Kingdom Hall meetings (I see now how how much she loved me)
I've been soo lucky to have parents like that. And what a crappy son/brother I've been....I haven't talked to anyone in about 4 months...why?....I don't know...there's no real reason....I mean both Reanee' and Danielle are married, ahve families and seem to be real happy......I sooo much hope the best for them. ( I miss them/everyone soooo much it hurts)...and you know what the sad thing is ??.....I just blow them off....I don't know why. It's just hard for me to be around this lack of love....this "cooling off of the greater love" (Matthew 12?) that I just can't deal with it.

Thursday, June 19, 2003

Boredom for me

Jun 19,2003
Today I' ve been feelin really down.....I don't know why though. Amanda's friends, stopped by; Michael, Steve?, ? (ooops !!!....beat me with a forgot stick!!!). They had drove down from Illinois to spend the weekend with Amanda down at VA Beach. They seem pretty cool .....and I'm guessin all around in their late 20's. We picked up the truck that Don (Kevins Boss) gave to Kevin. It's not bad !! A Nissan Pick-Up ....the engine purrs...but has a leak in the trans pan & odometer doesn't work, but other that that it's SWEET !! I miss my trwuuck !!

Tuesday, June 17, 2003

Fun times to party by!

June 17,2003
Well, got trashed the other hight....maybe trashed is to much of a word....maybe a REAL GOOD BUZZ is more like it. Went out to Blakelys, a country bar.....had a good time.........we (Amanda & me) started downin shots of Snappes with beer......I was much more pitiful than Amanda......she just had a MILD buzz !!! But thats where I payed for it dearly the next day!! Mixing liquor with the beer....DUH!! I really should know better huh !!! I'll definitly be going back though.....I kinda miss the partying........It's either that or I gotta find someplace to meet someone !!

Wednesday, June 11, 2003

Getting old sucks!

June 11,2003
MAN Do I hurt !!.....lately my kidneys have been really painful and hurting. About three years ago they started acting I know there is a seems like urine/water just stays in the kindneys and isn't being passed to my bladder. This only happens when I'm laying down though.Turned 40 the other SUCKS !!! I had actually started feeling my age about two years ago...before that I felt sooo I was 28 (but I was actually 38) Now look.........sheeesh!!

Saturday, May 31, 2003

The crap just hit the fan !

May 31,2003
Becky & Tim got into it last night.....Bobby kept coming over doing his hourly round like he always does...then not even after he goes back over to his Apt, he calls up asking for me (to pick up his Dad), Tim was kinda hot becuase Bobby I guess coulda asked for me while he was over...Anyways Tim gave Bobby the seventh degree and Becky got pissed at Tim for....well you know....crap just hit the fan !! Kelly graduated last night from High School, Kevin, both Amandas and Kenny showed up...watched Kelly accept her diploma then left....I can understand why they didn't hang around any longer....Kelly and Adam haven't excactly been really social around here lately. About two weeks ago they came up here to Chesapeake, went to the mall, saw a movie, then came over to visit about 20 minutes then took off !!!! Pretty rude the way they handled it.

Today Adam & Kelly stopped by with a friend (Josh), hung around for about 20 minutes, then took off to go see a movie (Bruce Almighty) in Joshs truck....without Josh!!!.....kinda messed up I think!........Anyway Bandons' spending the night again (last night also)....Amanda his head over heels about this guy.....AND I DON'T Trust the guy!!!! Sorry kids just can't control your hormones sometimes....and Dads can see right thru that.

Tuesday, May 27, 2003

Big Amanda problems ("Back in the Day")

May 27,2003
What do you do when you when someone hurts....or when you know they need help.....and you can't do anything about it ?.....You can't bow them off and just say "Oh well!!".........It's kinda like that right now......But what can I do...."I guess...Oh Well" The kids, Kenny & Amanda have been great.....the only prob is they have to be told to do their chores sometimes.

Saturday, May 24, 2003

Back in the day - a beginning of a journal

Sat May 24, 2003
Today I've decided to start an electronic journal...pretty cool idea I think !!

We moved up to the Kingsbridge Apts here in Chesapeake April 9th and things are just now getting ironed out.....Becky has stopped her about the apartment being small. Now she complains about her back (gotta be somethin huh?!!) She's really kinda in a bind though....being she's 4 months pregnant, and has a 5 year old (Trudy) already.
Amanda (big) got into a car wreck up in Chicago....serious wreck were she could've been killed not wearing her seatbelts....the only thing that saved her was the airbag. She is sooo not happy right now....she misses all her friends up in Chicago (Amy, Micheal, Tab, etc...) ...I wish I could help her out somehow.......she was cryin earlier talking to her brother Brandon down in Florida.
She's just soo lonely and unhappy...I'd try to cheer her up but it's only temp.....her Dad needs to really help her out......Sounds kinda familiar huh??? (With Tab?!)