Saturday, August 8, 2015

Melanie Saunders... Rest In Peace beautiful <\3

Her death has been keeping me up lately. I mean it's 3:30 am and there are so many "what ifs...." running through my head.

The last time I saw her was Friday night when Laina came over late around 6. I wasn't feeling good and was in bed and heard Conner playing Super Smash Bros. I heard Conner say "Laina" and heard Lainas voice and looked down and saw the kiddo. Usually I'd play a few games with them but I was really weak and laid back down. A while later I heard Mel's voice "Come on 'love' we got to go home'.I raised my head and saw her and she asked" Hey... You okay?".... "Just tired...but what's new"

"Well... Hope you feel better"... She would always say that to anyone who wasn't feeling good or had a cold or was really sick. When she found out Amanda was throwing up she told Amanda that. 'Feeling better'.... I guess that was always something she wanted. To feel better.... to be happy.....without the pain, hurt and frustration.

There are so many' what ifs..' going through my head right now. What if I had gotten out of bed to hug Mel?
Sunday night we had a cake for Vicky. Me and Kenny went to Baskin Robbins. What if we had invited Melanie over that night?
What if I had held off driving Kenny to Jane's Monday morning and walked over instead to see her? What if I told Buddy about that conversation Mel and I had back in March?

I'm frustrated.... and angry at her. For leaving friends....for leaving family..... two beautiful kids who adored and loved her.

 She had so much to live for!!

When someone dies due to old age or a terminal illness you expect it. You make plans for family members. Preparations. It's what I kept prompting Vicky to do with Sue. Sue was not getting any younger. Tim was a surprise. I didn't expect that. I figured he would have made it another two more years at least. Becky I was in disbelief. She was a total shock for me.

I guess I have mixed feelings now about people who want to end it. I don't like using the words 'commit suicide' because it...
1. Sounds like you're a criminal and...
2. You're dehumanizing the person
3. You place suicide on an emotional level (which it is) when you use 'end their lives'

People just want the pain to end. They're not really wanting to end their own lives. But it's the only way to stop the agony and pain.
Yeah. You get to a place where it hurts so much it's unbearable. I've been there for a moment back in 2012. Walking towards Ecity at 6:30am trying to make it to Office Max. Here I am walking from Windfall... didn't have a car....walking 12 miles to a job that paid 9.50/hr.I felt like such a loser. I saw the woods and said 'fuck this shit' but my feet kept staying on the road.

There's a moment when you don't care about anything. You just want the hurt to stop. But then... ever so briefly you think of loved ones. You think about family, your kids... your brother and sisters. It's when nothing you can think about but the pain and when it overtakes every single fiber in you.... That's when you've made the decision and follow through. When you live hurt & pain and there's nothing else. I guess that's how Mel went through with it.

 God I miss her.

Thursday, October 18, 2012

R.I.P Amanda Todd

What happened last week with Amanda Todd should never ever had happened. It sickens me that not only someone will be so mean, cruel, and heartless to bully another, but that in her Youtube video Amanda had been reaching out to anyone fir help in her. Where someone could have reached out to her. To be there for her. I'm not talking about the "be strong...keep your head up" comments. She had needed soneone to talk to....she needed a friend to tell her she was beautiful.....that she was actually loved. I dunno....this just sickens ne. If anybody...ANYBODY I know is bulliied I promise I will be therefor you.....anytime.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Sure its only a movie....but it happens in real life

Some of the comments in this article seem pretty cold. I' m reading this and some are like "it's only a movie...get over it" "Jack was stupid" "Rose was cold hearted not allowing Jack on the raft"
 Okay..I admit. I cried watching this scene. Sure it\'s only a movie. It\'s all visual effects and great acting, however when one sacrifices his life for another....thats the greatest love.
Think about the boyfriends/husbands in the Aurora CO shootings. They instantly covered thier loved ones to protects them for the bullets. .
Think about the heros on Flight 93 on 9/11. They heard about the other planes hitting the World Trade Centers and took action, knowing if they didn\'t more on the ground could die.. Sure its a movie, but in real life people sacrifice thier lives every day for\'s the ultimate show of love.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Kelly. Someone I admire on Youtube

I've known Kelly on Youtube for bout 5 months now. She's a beautiful girl who's got alot of baggage and problems. I guess not unlike we have in life.

But she's pretty brave going out and showing everyone a glimpse into her little world. I admire that. My heart goes out to her. I would do anything to give her a hug.