Saturday, June 23, 2007

Exhaustion and emotionally frustrated

I’m so damm tired and exhausted. It’s 4am in the morning and I haven’t been able to sleep but for a few minutes. I blame a lot on the greasy pizza last night. But a lot more on what’s going on with Amanda. I remember when both Tabatha and (big) Amanda left. It really didn’t affect me because I just considered them friends.. that’s all. But Amanda is my daughter, the one I delivered, helped raise, the one we took care of when she was sick….shit just last month we had a scare.. oh fucking well. (Now I know how much I hurt Mom and Dad.. I didn’t realize it then…but know I understand)

I’m starting to wonder if it would be easier to stop caring. It would be so much simpler not to care about people you love…. just to toss them over your shoulder, let them go and get on with life. It would be a lot less complicated… You wouldn’t get hurt so bad. A lot of shit has happened in the past few months… so much so I feel like taking that long swim. I need to drop Amy an email.
I’m trying to think of the positive things that have happened in the past few years. I can only come up with a handful
Got a good job (Geeks)
Made a few good friends (Jennifer, Mike, Jason, Yolanda, Abbey, Beth)
Got my own place !..LOL !

Now for the negative shit
Amanda has got involved in smoking/pot
Vicky and Kevin have just about gone bankrupt
Sue’s health in dwindling
Work is starting to stress me out/techs not completing jobs
Beck/Jim have that stalker
Bobby and Sam are having problems
The kids don’t really have a plan for their future
I haven’t been feeling the best lately, very sore, getting colds alot
Amanda is moving out to Hawaii

Hey !... one good thing that happened today !... finally got my tires !.. and good ones too… 60,000miles good ! ! What sucked though is in the morning I had to walk 2 miles to work after dropping the Honda off at Pep Boys. Beth was sweet enough to give me a ride back out to pick it up. She has such a good heart, but OMG, was she such a distraction today. Every time she wasn’t on the phone she wanted to talk… but I couldn’t get anything done!! I love her though… she’s a real good person.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

A daughters decision

The good news - Me and Amanda went to the beach Sunday – I needed something like that for a while… It was a very relaxing stress free day.
Bad news (a life changing event for everyone) Kevin called earlier today and told me the Amanda has decided to go to Hawaii and live with Derek. I had expected something like this for some time because we weren’t really pointing her in the right direction (GED, Drivers License, job.etc) All those things should’ve been planned while she was 13-15.

Now the only thing on her mind is to go out to Hawaii and live with Derek. Then what ? What she plan to do with her life?… I don’t know. I’m not mad. I mean why be mad at something you can’t control. She’s 18,she’s a legal adult… I am disappointed and upset, because she thinks this is the only way of being happy. I told her the other day the only way to be happy… to be satisfied with yourself, is to do something, to make a goal for yourself, have a career. Otherwise, all you’ll be is someone’s doormat for some one to wipe their feet on.

I just hope she doesn’t get pregnant, because all she’ll be then is a stay-at-home housewife. I am scared because it’s so far away, and we’ll be unable to help her out.
I’m upset because she is not thinking this thru all the way… Where is she going to stay…what does she plan to do?....besides Derek…does she have anyone else for support?

Sunday, June 10, 2007

Kevin & Vickys moving day!

Moving day!,,,, or at least packing and moving weekend. And man was there A LOT OF STUFF!!... Boxes, papers, books, knick-knacs, furniture…etc.
Me and Kevin did most of the hauling of the furniture. I used muscles which I forgot I had!
I’m proud of Amanda and Kenny – they worked their asses off… and still kept up ! LOL (now if they could just apply that kind of work ethic out in the real world)

Anyways Kevin and Amanda are moving in with me, and Vicky, Kenny, Tim and Sue are moving in up with Becky. Gonna miss Kingsbridge (but not that much !) yes.. I think I miss Hertford more that I do Kingsbridge Why?... nothing really improved here.

Saturday, June 9, 2007

A small part of the family put down

We had to put Midnight down. For the past week I noticed she was losing weight and not feeling good. I always thought she could have worms, so we brought her to the vet, but the doctor was out so I had planned to take her the next day but she ran away and had disappeared for two days. (When an animal gets sick, it hides. I think it’s Gods way of preventing infection to humans)
Anyways she was missing for two days, and then we found her lying in the dirt outside behind Vicky’s window. It looked like she had sand on her face, and blood dripping from her nose. (I was trying to keep myself together from the sight of her suffering )
We had rushed her to the vet Wed where the doc said he could try “pulling out all the stops to save her… but would very likely not survive” He was very sensitive but to the point. We decided it was best for her not to suffer anymore. Vicky took it really bad, crying and sobbing… and she was my cat!!...
I mean I loved the animal. She was such a wonderful good cat. She used to wait for me at the door when she’d hear my car, just so she could be petted on her. She never used a litter box, she’d always wait at the front door to be let out !... I’m going to miss her.