Saturday, August 8, 2015

Melanie Saunders... Rest In Peace beautiful <\3

Her death has been keeping me up lately. I mean it's 3:30 am and there are so many "what ifs...." running through my head.

The last time I saw her was Friday night when Laina came over late around 6. I wasn't feeling good and was in bed and heard Conner playing Super Smash Bros. I heard Conner say "Laina" and heard Lainas voice and looked down and saw the kiddo. Usually I'd play a few games with them but I was really weak and laid back down. A while later I heard Mel's voice "Come on 'love' we got to go home'.I raised my head and saw her and she asked" Hey... You okay?".... "Just tired...but what's new"

"Well... Hope you feel better"... She would always say that to anyone who wasn't feeling good or had a cold or was really sick. When she found out Amanda was throwing up she told Amanda that. 'Feeling better'.... I guess that was always something she wanted. To feel better.... to be happy.....without the pain, hurt and frustration.

There are so many' what ifs..' going through my head right now. What if I had gotten out of bed to hug Mel?
Sunday night we had a cake for Vicky. Me and Kenny went to Baskin Robbins. What if we had invited Melanie over that night?
What if I had held off driving Kenny to Jane's Monday morning and walked over instead to see her? What if I told Buddy about that conversation Mel and I had back in March?

I'm frustrated.... and angry at her. For leaving friends....for leaving family..... two beautiful kids who adored and loved her.

 She had so much to live for!!

When someone dies due to old age or a terminal illness you expect it. You make plans for family members. Preparations. It's what I kept prompting Vicky to do with Sue. Sue was not getting any younger. Tim was a surprise. I didn't expect that. I figured he would have made it another two more years at least. Becky I was in disbelief. She was a total shock for me.

I guess I have mixed feelings now about people who want to end it. I don't like using the words 'commit suicide' because it...
1. Sounds like you're a criminal and...
2. You're dehumanizing the person
3. You place suicide on an emotional level (which it is) when you use 'end their lives'

People just want the pain to end. They're not really wanting to end their own lives. But it's the only way to stop the agony and pain.
Yeah. You get to a place where it hurts so much it's unbearable. I've been there for a moment back in 2012. Walking towards Ecity at 6:30am trying to make it to Office Max. Here I am walking from Windfall... didn't have a car....walking 12 miles to a job that paid 9.50/hr.I felt like such a loser. I saw the woods and said 'fuck this shit' but my feet kept staying on the road.

There's a moment when you don't care about anything. You just want the hurt to stop. But then... ever so briefly you think of loved ones. You think about family, your kids... your brother and sisters. It's when nothing you can think about but the pain and when it overtakes every single fiber in you.... That's when you've made the decision and follow through. When you live hurt & pain and there's nothing else. I guess that's how Mel went through with it.

 God I miss her.