Tuesday, July 1, 2003

Confusion & frustration

Jul 1,2003
We've been here three ##%%@! months....I quit Blackhawk last month and have yet to find a decent job ! I filled out apps at City of Portsmouth (Dispatching)...Moran Towing of Virginia..City of Virginia Beach (Dispatching)...Wallmart..Cox Communications....Lowes......Haynes Furniture....even Farm Fresh..(for night stock...which they're NOT hiring for !)....PLUS to make things even more depressing...I see everyone around either hurt, lonely, mad, or stressed. Kevins overworked, Tim just sits on the couch, Amanda J. has been ever disconnecting herself from the family...(just waiting for the day say mentions the M word...I think Kevins expecting it), Lil Amanda has been doing nothing but sitting on the computer in her own lil world chatting away, and Kenny just sits in his lil world playing games.

It just seems nobody likes to spend time together anymore. I'm hoping if I leave maybe things will get better....hopefully. This has been going on in my mind for a long time...I've been thinking about going down to Va beach for a loooooong swim....(hopefully I'll find a good riptide to carry me away). If anyone does find out how it happens I don't want the kids to find out. I have to find a way to send e-mail at a time/day automated.
There are some things I would never change, my growing up years..I am sooo thankful for the parents I have....A dad (who wasn't even my biological father) who spent time with me, making it a ritual every Sat to go out to Dunkin Donuts and talk about anything. It was the fishing trips that we made to lake Castaic that I'd always remember...he'd always help me out reeling a fish in....My mom would always take the time to bring me to those ever important Kingdom Hall meetings (I see now how how much she loved me)
I've been soo lucky to have parents like that. And what a crappy son/brother I've been....I haven't talked to anyone in about 4 months...why?....I don't know...there's no real reason....I mean both Reanee' and Danielle are married, ahve families and seem to be real happy......I sooo much hope the best for them. ( I miss them/everyone soooo much it hurts)...and you know what the sad thing is ??.....I just blow them off....I don't know why. It's just hard for me to be around this lack of love....this "cooling off of the greater love" (Matthew 12?) that I just can't deal with it.

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